[I wrote this quite a while ago and have repeated it a few times in this blog. It made the rounds on other blogs somewhere in the past. Why does this zombie rise again out of its grave to persecute you, dear reader? Because I still think it’s good advice about what NOT to do when writing a novel, so I’ve updated that advice a bit and repeated it here yet again. If you’ve been a fan of this blog for a long time, and you’re tired of seeing this, just skip today’s post.]

 (5) Don’t dwell on minutia. That’s the minimalist idea yet again. Moby and 20,000 Leagues again come to mind. Assume the reader already has a good idea about how to brush his teeth, for example—I’m reminded of those websites (do they exist anymore?) where one watches someone go through their day. Boring! I have better ways to spend my time. If a character goes from point X to point Y, the reader doesn’t need to know what happened between X and Y, unless it’s essential to the plot (he sits on a butterfly and changes the space-time continuum?).

(6) Don’t be cute. The TV series Lost had many followers, but most people were turned off by the convoluted pseudo-spiritual and multiple endings, and the many flash-forwards were confusing, to say the least. The writers were too cute. I’ve seen this happen in novels I review. I might be old-fashioned, but I avoid flash-forwards entirely. Garcia-Marquez in one of his novellas, Chronicle of a Death Foretold, gets cute and announces the ending right up front, then spends the rest of the novella telling the reader how that came to pass. He gets away with it—he’s a Nobel prize-winner, after all. Generally speaking, though, you won’t. (Deaver’s worst book was one he wrote in reverse—way too cute! I stopped reading after Chapter Two, i.e. the second chapter from the end.)

(7)  Don’t use clichéd plots. Yeah, I know, there are only so many different story types, but I’ve read about too many twins separated at birth, too many aliens that seem like mafiosos, a plethora of amnesia victims running from bad guys, hordes of star-crossed lovers with families that don’t understand (R & J is not Shakespeare’s best work), and so forth. In particular, if I can map your story into one of Shakespeare’s plays by any stretch of my own fertile imagination, I’m suspicious. Clichés also reduced my enjoyment of the Star Wars trilogy—too many plot elements were lifted straight from Isaac Asimov and Edgar Rice Burroughs’ work, as well as ninja and fairy tales.

If I were an agent (thank goodness I’m not), the last thing I would want to read in a query is “My book is like….” (I did tell agents that my young adult novel The Secret Lab is NOT Harry Potter in space, but that’s different—Harry and friends are OK, but every YA agent in the world was looking for the next Harry. By the way, I ended up not using an agent for that book, and A. B. Carolan rewrote and reedited it to make a second edition.) Use that imagination. If your novel’s plot seems clichéd, it probably is, so at least throw some plot twists in that wake up your reader.  And, as a reviewer, I love a reversed cliché. (Unlikely heroes fall into this category—remember the tailor who “killed six with one blow”?)

(8)  Don’t name your characters without some serious consideration.  In an old Writer’s Digest article, “Namedropping” by Elizabeth Sims, she lists many good ideas about how you should choose a character’s name. Like Ms. Sims, I take character naming very seriously as a writer. As a reader and reviewer, I cringe at some authors’ choices. Jeff Smith isn’t a Latino, Jane Brown isn’t Chinese, and so forth. Again, think of your reader. He or she will be upset if all your names sound like they’re taken from a first-grade reader (although those who remember Dick, Jane, and Spot are probably in their declining years). Moreover, the appropriate name for a character must somehow fit that character’s personality. Some best-selling writers violate this rule—a pox on their house, I say, or on their editor’s, at least.

What’s not in this list? Many details. That’s the easy answer. All the grammatical details, for example (rules upon rules about split infinitives, ending a sentence with a preposition, etc). Rules about not switching from third to first person or excessive use of the passive voice. Rules about appropriate punctuation. Learn the rules…and then break them if that works. Rules are meant to be broken and writers often do so, even famous ones (should I say, especially famous ones?).

Nonetheless, my Eightfold Way contains what I consider essential that you NOT do as a novelist. I might still find your novel entertaining if you break one of my rules, but that’s unlikely. There are many books out there, indie or traditionally published, that are not worth your time because they break many of these rules. Same goes for some best-sellers that have passed through the Big Five’s traditional publishing gauntlet.

So there you have it, the eightfold way about what not to do when you write your novel.  If you’re a reader, you’re very lucky, because there are many good books and good authors out there—you just need to be discerning, find them, and enjoy them.

***

“Writing Fiction.” Believe it or not, this long article and many other things are covered in my little course. It’s meant to complement Stephen King’s On Writing (the writing part, not the memoir part). It’s also free; King’s book is not. See my web page “Free Stuff & Contests” for download instructions. While you’re there, also check out the list of free fiction that’s available for download. Some things in life are free. (OK, you’ll need a few mouse clicks.)

In libris libertas….   

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