Future editorial cartoons?
[Short, pithy, and biting humor is often better than a rant. I’ll take a swipe at it here. Maybe some enterprising cartoonists in the audience can work these into editorial cartoons? Let me see them if you do. Wish I were good at that.]
In ISIS HQ, Youssef says to Adil, “I just got a great deal on a Galaxy mobile phone—two for the price of one, unlimited data. I gave the freebie to Abdul.” “You fool!” says Youssef. “That doesn’t have Apple’s great encryption. You have to support Apple because they support us!”
On campus, Gretchen says to Hilda, “Are you going to the march against GMOs? Everyone’s going to be there!” “No, I’m heading to Recife with Ben to protest there instead. They’re genetically modifying male mosquitoes to battle against Zika, and we have to stop that!”
Rupert Murdoch, exhausted from thinking about his future wedding night obligations with Jerry Hall and already considering who his next wife will be, is sitting in the armchair next to the nuptial bed as she beckons him to join her by crooking her pinkie. “What’s more alluring than me?” she asks. He holds up a book. “Der Wanderer,” he says. “It’s this wonderful play written by Goebbels.”
The S&M aficionado asks his victim, “Do you know why this editorial cartoon isn’t in color?” When she shakes her head in pain, he says, “Because it’s fifty…” (You can finish that one–did you think I was talking about Gawker?)
Evo Morales dreamed that Hugo Chavez and he met Josef Stalin in the Devil’s Bar. “Bros,” says Papa Joe, “you just never could learn that democracy is a dictator’s worst enemy.” Evo looks at Hugo. “Democracy? Is that some strange Russian word? I’ll have to ask Vladimir Putin.”
To the hobbyist, who flew a drone into the path of a landing plane, the judge asks, “Did you ever think about what a drone could do to a jet engine?” The response? “I wanted to say hi to my fiancé who’s back from Europe. I was going to use a laser but didn’t want to blind the pilot.”
The cop in the interrogation room asks one of the thugs who participated in a recent gun heist by a ten-man gang, “What were you thinking? Chances were good we’d catch you.” The thug responds, “We’re NRA members and believe in Second Amendment rights. Every American deserves to be armed. And why should gun manufacturers make all the money?”
White actor Arrow Gant uses his megaphone to speak to his wife at the other end of the long dinner table in their Beverley Hills mansion as the butler is serving her soup. “I’ve decided to tell our daughter not to pledge. We already have enough sorority racism in Hollywood. Chris Rock says so.”
The Pfizer executive who’s being reassigned to Ireland protests to his boss, “I’m supposed to speak some Gaelic? How am I supposed to screw the American economy and sell exorbitantly priced drugs speaking in Gaelic?”
AROD to Aroldis Chapman, “You’re lucky, bro. You only got 30 games. I had to sit out a full year with my $21 million.”
The gas and petroleum spokesman fields a question from a WSJ reporter. “Of course, natural gas will be big. We’re producing more with fracking than ever before. It’s our future. We—” The ground shakes and splits between them and the spokesman plunges into the abyss. “Darn. And I was just going to ask about the earthquakes,” says the reporter.
Mitt Romney says backstage to an aide, “This speech I’ll be giving is very important for the future of our party because it will make me relevant again. Besides, I have better hair than Donald Trump.”
Hillary Clinton says in a meeting with her campaign team in Brooklyn, “I have these great new ideas for original points to make on the campaign trail. We’ll attack Wall Street and campaign financing with a wink and nod to Jamie Dimon, offer free college education to every young person who joins my campaign or promises to vote for me, and pin Benghazi on the budget-cutting GOP fools in Congress.” One aide smiles and says, “Well, at least the last one is original.”
Gloria and Madeleine chatting over the phone: “Old girl, we received a lot of flak for our comments from those upstart millennials,” says Gloria. “We’ll have our revenge with some of them, though,” says Madeleine, “because Hillary will have interns, and Bill will be right there to welcome them.”
The in-house manicurist visits the Trump household and comments, “I don’t see anything wrong with your hands. That right middle finger is a little long, that’s all.” He waves it. “Just wait until I go after Hillary and Bill,” he says. “It will be yuuuuge!”
Bernie Sanders meets Ted Cruz in a western-style bar in Foggy Bottom in a blue-red social event at the capital. “You saved the Democratic Party from itself,” says Trus Ted. “I wish I could have done the same for the GOP.” “I spoke about the need for new mental health programs in a debate,” says Bernie, “but you didn’t listen. It would have been yuuuuge. Unfortunately, Hillary also needed marriage counseling.”
The Donald walks out to the White House rose garden. “I’m happy to see all of you folks here today. I don’t know why you’re here. You should get a life. But, since you’re here, I have some water, wine, steaks and a few other Trump products to sell you.” He waves a hand toward the rose bushes. “And now that I’ve banned flower imports from Colombia, how ‘bout a dozen red roses for your Valentine’s Day sweeties?”
[OK, the last few break my promise of not doing any more political posts. I couldn’t resist, though. So sue me. If politicians had $1 for every promise they broke, we’d no longer need campaign finance reform. A recent poll says that only 8% of Americans trust politicians. ‘Nough said.]
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Like sci-fi thrills and conspiracies? Have you tried the “Clones and Mutants Trilogy”? The clones make their appearance in Full Medical, they combine forces with the mutant in Evil Agenda, and they save the world in No Amber Waves of Grain. These aren’t comic book characters like X-Men—they’re real people who try to halt a dystopian future. Available in all ebook formats.
And so it goes….
