[I needed to deliver a message to Santa Claus recently.  I finally found him on an undisclosed and clothes-optional Caribbean island with the help of Rudolph, who has a big mouth as well as that well-known drunkard’s nose.  Santa hadn’t told his elves where he was going and didn’t take his iPhone 4S.  He had wi-fi in his beach hut, though, so I talked to him via Skype.]

Steve:  Santa, I wanted to tell you I finally finished editing that trilogy and it will be released soon.  You can put it on Christmas lists.

Santa:  It’s about time.  I hope it’s not like those Fifty Shades books.  [Pops his speedo as if to cool his privates.]  I gave the first one to Mrs. Claus.  Her list of toys she wants for Christmas is now ten pages long.  I hope that’s not going to be the norm this next Christmas!

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Author:  [In a whisper, like an announcer at the U.S. Open]  Today we meet Sirena, certainly the most unusual character in my sci-fi thriller Evil Agenda.  The villain in that novel, Rupert Snyder, also known as Vladimir Kalinin, sponsored the research that produced her.  Sirena is a mutant, the first in a projected line of super soldiers, especially built to overpower her opponents, whether using enhanced body armor or not.  We find her coming onto the beach on her island in the Bahamas.  [Normal voice now.]  Good morning, Sirena.

Sirena:  [Starting with her mane of hair, she shakes off the salt water right down to her webbed toes.  We can see her gills pulsating as she adjusts to normal breathing.]  If I didn’t already know you, I’d think you were a voyeur.  Come along.  It’s time for my morning coffee.

A:  [I follow her up the dunes to a patio that sits on the edge of the grassy backyard leading to their house.]  I just have a few questions.

S:  Fire away.  [She throws on a beach robe.]  I don’t want to distract you.

A: You already have.  You were more magnificent than either Ursula Andress or Halle Berry.

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Author:  [Whispers, like announcing the Masters.]  Readers, today I’m interviewing Caitlin Murphy, FBI agent and main protagonist in my sci-fi thriller Soldiers of God.  [My normal voice.]  Caitlin, you had a thing for the priest, Juan Pablo Gomez.  How’s he doing?

Murphy:  Funny you ask.  I just received a video-mail from him.  He’s looking a bit gray and says there’s a lot of intrigue in the Vatican.  Since Vatican security is more secretive than all of our agencies combined, I knew better to press for more information.  I imagine he has some interesting stories to tell, though.

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Author:  [Whispers, like announcing the Masters.]  Readers, today I’m interviewing another of my main characters, Spacer Brent Mueller, a minor character in Survivors of the Chaos and a major protagonist in the soon-to-be-released Sing a Samba Galactica.  He’s the Methuselah among my characters, so we should expect some words of wisdom.  [My normal voice.]  Brent, you were just Jenny Wong’s love interest in Survivors of the Chaos.  Are you enjoying your promotion in Sing a Samba Galactica?

Mueller:  Is that your idea of a promotion?  First, I lose Jenny, then I lose Rita, and finally I almost lose exoarchaeologists Edith Shumsky and her two friends as well as explorers Lisa Malenkov and Minerva Boutotte.  You really rake me over the coals—I think I’m using that old expression correctly.  I become a Guide to the Way and then become disillusioned and abandon my calling.  This isn’t a Broadway show, you know—my name isn’t up there in lights, showing my promotion to top billing.  However, I am satisfied that things sort of work out for me and my friends, so thank you.

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#105:  For a follow-up on #104, see my blog post “Indie books and bookstores…,” prompted by a myopic NY Times article on B&N.  The Times presents the official viewpoint of B&N.  I present my own.  Are you surprised that I don’t side with the bookstore giant?  They recently announced that they will not carry Amazon’s publications.  That doesn’t make sense if you just consider the online giant as another publisher (it isn’t, of course).  I don’t know what it means for KDP (Amazon’s eBook publishing).

#106:  Deanna Proach yesterday (Feb. 2) made a guest post to my blog titled “How to Critique a Writer”—for established writers and writers who are starting out.  Anyone who has a good critique site (where writers interchange manuscripts to have them critiqued) is welcome to comment there or here with a URL to the site.  After EditRed (now defunct), I stopped participating in critique groups, but I know they are very popular with some writers.

#107:  Shah Wharton has interviewed me for her blog.  See yesterday’s (Feb. 2) posting on www.wordsinsync.blogspot.com where you might learn a bit more about my quirky cynicism.  Writers should check out her “Author Advice” category where she quotes famous authors’ tips on writing—readers might be interested in these too, because they are sure to recognize some famous names.  I especially like Philip Pullman’s, though.  Shah also has an author page:  shahwharton.blogspot.com .

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Author:  [Whisper, like I’m announcing the Masters.]  Readers, today I’m interviewing NYPD Detective Sgt. Rolando Castilblanco.  He has a busy schedule, so let’s get right to it.  [My normal voice.]  Rollie, are you fully recovered from the knife fight portrayed in The Midas Bomb?

Castilblanco:  Physically, I suppose.  Mentally, I’m still pissed.  I think we lost a chance to grill that guy and learn more about the case in general and Vladimir Kalinin in particular.  On the other hand, it taught Chen that a knife strapped onto your leg is often better than that little peashooter the bosses want you to carry as backup.  She’s come a long way, you know.

A:  You two didn’t hit it off so well at the beginning.  What was the problem?

C:  I’d lost two partners.  I figured that with all that inscrutable oriental mysticism, Chen thought I was a jinx.  I was even thinking along those lines myself.  Our boss, Lt. Kennedy, is a crafty old fox, though.  He knew I would teach Chen some things in spite of my many shortcomings.  I’ll have to admit, she taught me a few things too.  She came with a lot of experience from the narcotics division.

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