Domestic violence really gets old…
Two recent events portray two different sides of domestic violence. The first is the case last week of the family renting the luxury home of a tennis star down in Florida. A man apparently killed his wife and two teenage kids and then set fire to the entire place. The second is one that happened last Saturday in nearby Lodi, New Jersey (near to my new hometown of Montclair), where a man stabbed his estranged wife and took off with the kids. The common denominator is a desperate man doing terrible damage to his family.
We don’t know the details of either case at the time I write this, but I can guess. In the first, I suspect the fortunes of the SOB went south for whatever reason, he didn’t want to live, and he didn’t want to put his family through hardship. Relative to living in a mansion, anything is a hardship, I suppose, but it still sounds crazy. Of course it’s crazy! Murder-suicide is the work of a crazy man. The guy flipped and his family suffered. His unilateral determination brought way more suffering to his family than poverty would have. Of course, the guy could also have had a bad trip with some bad drugs, but buying all those fireworks and gasoline ahead of time sure looks like premeditation.
The second is typical testosterone-asshole thinking, “If I can’t have you, no one will.” Fortunately, he was stupid. Nowadays it’s more likely than not that a guy who does this will be caught. That’s the good side (?) of this: the kids escaped his wrath because authorities caught up with him in South Carolina. And, before anyone out there starts profiling, the bastard was white. But stupid, like I said. The smart ones (?) realize they won’t get away with this, so we have another source of murder-suicide.
People who know my books know that, through Detective Castilblanco and other characters, I take a strong stand against domestic violence. Only in the best cases is a restraining order enough. Unfortunately, that’s about the only recourse the abused woman has, except for running or killing the bastard. Most victims of domestic violence are women. It’s an old tradition and old cultures not only look the other way, they often approve of it as the man’s right—women are viewed as property. But there’s no place for this in a civilized society.
Like in porn and prostitution, the law’s treatment of domestic violence is characterized by punishing the victims, who, for the most part, are psychological basket cases, if they aren’t dead. When a woman in any of these situations offs the perpetrator, legal punishment for her is swift and merciless. In the case of domestic violence, that restraining order is supposed to be your shield, don’t you know? I’m going on the line here by saying that a woman who offs her victimizer deserves a reward in the majority of cases, not punishment.
I’m not talking about domestic verbal spats here. We’re living in a bad economy if your survey about how good it is excludes the one-percenters, so family finances are strained. People are working long hours or multiple jobs just to make ends meet. People, as they near the age for retirement medical benefits or some kind of pension, are laid off by uncaring corporations. Kids in school have many temptations now, and parents don’t have time or the desire to control them, so parenting can be stressful. Families might have relatives and friends in the armed forces; no one knows what war the bloviating bastards in Washington will start next. On and on. You can only be a reed bending with the wind for so long, and then you break. Most people just talk about and through it—those domestic verbal spats—but some have a nervous breakdown.
People with nervous breakdowns can get help—from the famous happy pills or a psychologist or psychiatrist, although too many can’t afford any of this. Drink or drugs can become an escape—self-destructive and hurting one’s family, but nonviolent for the most part, as long as the vice money holds out. But sometimes the breakdown turns violent, all socially accepted forms of help or even other non-violent forms trumped by lashing out. People’s reaction to stressful situations cover a wide spectrum. The violence can become homicidal.
The important moral and judicial question: how do we protect the victims? Be assured that more of this will continue unless there is a moral and judicial culture change. A restraining order isn’t enough in domestic violence cases. Punishing the victims is stupid. Hoping that you or your family is never involved in such a situation is a bit like hoping to win the lottery—these situations are becoming more frequent. Something—no, many things—should change. ‘Nough said.
And so it goes….
