Ten ways to spot a gun fanatic…
Although I doubt any gun fanatic reads this blog, if you think you might be one, read the following characteristics. Please note that I’m not talking about a gun enthusiast (simple hunter, skeet shooter, authentic target-range aficionado, etc.). Again, if you don’t understand the difference between fanatic and enthusiast, read on. For other people, some of the characteristics below might be amusing, others just plain sad…because there’s always truth in humor!
1) Go to a gun show and watch how a buyer picks up and caresses the weapon, whether he buys it or not. If the gun seems to be just an extension of you-know-what, he’s a fanatic. Don’t be surprised at the number of men you see doing this, even if their bathrooms aren’t loaded with porno pics. Note that this doesn’t apply to women unless she has a particular kind of Freudian envy. Or, she caresses the weapon while smiling at him.
2) If you’re out in the woods and run across a deer hunter—or any kind of hunter, for that matter—and he tries to convince you he needs an assault rifle to bring down his intended targets, you have a gun fanatic. This definitely applies to women too. By the way, what the hell are you doing in the woods during hunting season? Hunters kill other people, even ones dressed in those loud orange clown suits they’re supposed to be wearing. Without that suit, you’ll just look like game to them, even if the hunter you meet is like that sharpshooting GoDaddy CEO who’s out to kill an elephant. Although most hunters, like Dick Cheney, can only hit the broad side of a judge, you can’t count on that!
3) Go to a target range, study the gun he uses, and watch how he shoots. Apply #1, or, if there’s a gleam in his eye and he mutters, “Kill, kill, kill!”—you know you have a gun fanatic (apologies to Arlo Guthrie, my favorite Western Massachusetts singer). The second part definitely applies to women too, especially if the target is an iconized human being and she aims for the crotch. Or, she holds his hands and starts dancing up and down with him, muttering “Kill, kill, kill!” Be forewarned—I’ve seen similar behavior at a driving range. Don’t confuse the two.
4) This one’s for parents: Ignoring numbers 1 through 3 (these might equally apply to young adults, especially those suffering through a Southern Baptist puberty), if your kid has graduated from torturing animals to blowing them away with his gun, you have raised a gun fanatic…and maybe a serial killer! Start reading psychological treatises on psychos Ted Bundy, Jeffry Daumer, or that Holmes movie critic (who doesn’t like Batman?) right away so you can understand your kid! Of course, you can pretend he’s possessed by ETs, and then it won’t be your fault.
5) This one’s for parents too: If your kid’s teacher is proselytizing your PTO because he wants to carry heat in the classroom, saying he wants to blow away any bastard who threatens his students, you have a gun fanatic and should wonder whether he’s the right teacher for your kid—unless you live in Texas, when you know he IS the right teacher for your kid, especially if he’s also a creationist. PTOs take note too—you might want to start lacing those cookies and apples for the teachers with Prozac.
6) If a white and bearded man stands up on a soapbox in the center of your town—it doesn’t have to be Times Square, but that’s a big soapbox—and yells, “No government is going to trample on my Second Amendment rights,” but he can’t quote that amendment or any others in the Bill of Rights, you have a gun fanatic. Ignore him and he’ll go away…unless he points a gun at you. In the latter case, run for the nearest police department—unless you live in the South, where you should run in the other direction, especially if you’re Black.
7) If a white and bearded man wearing brown khakis, a tan shirt, and stolen military ribbons pinned on his chest tries to recruit you for a local militia, ask him if you can use his guns. If he says no, you have a gun fanatic. If he says yes, you still have a gun fanatic, but look for that tiny little mustache that looks like a wooly black caterpillar on his lip—if you find it, yell, “Sig heil!”…and flee for your life, especially if your customary mode of transportation is a black U.N. helicopter.
8) If someone knocks on your door and wants you to sign an NRA petition calling for the impeachment of Barack Obama and Joe Biden and the confinement of James Brady and Gabby Giffords and all those bereaved parents in Newtown demanding gun control reform, frisk him…he’s a gun-carrying fanatic, even if it’s Halloween—unless you’re in the South….
9) Again, for parents: If your daughter starts dressing in black, that’s OK—get her some black fingernail polish, another tongue stud, and some metal rock music. If your son does the same thing and starts building an arsenal in your basement, you have a gun fanatic. Buy a straitjacket quick! Unless you live in Connecticut, Virginia, Colorado, Oregon….
10) This is just for the woman who pushed the man onto the subway tracks here in New York City: Honey, I’m sorry you couldn’t get a gun! If you had one, you could have joined the elite club of gun fanatics and killed many more people—Muslims, Jews, Hindus, and so forth—all those foreigners that you hold responsible for 9/11. You should have asked your neighbor to loan you his assault rifle and many of those multi-bullet clips in order to have a lot more fun cleansing our Fatherland from those undesirables. Didn’t you know about the Second Amendment? Live free or die!
If you’re a gun fanatic, you will do well to go undercover and hide these characteristics. The anti-Second-Amendment mobs, led by Biden and Obama, can’t find you that way. If they do find you, pull out your guns and let the lead fly. Those progressive commie mobs are generally armed with only words. While they’re more dangerous than swords, they can’t stand up to the modern firepower you command. God bless America!
And so it goes….
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